Dependencies and Family Dynamics: Understanding the Impact

Understanding Family Dependencies

If your family life has been shaped by dependency, daily life may have revolved around the person with the dependency, while their world narrowed to focus on the substance or behaviour. As their bond with the dependency grew, other relationships, especially with you as a child, may have faded into the background.

Moving Beyond Punishment

It's encouraging to see our understanding moving away from the outdated view that people with dependencies are simply weak or deserving of punishment. Decades of punitive approaches have shown us that punishment does little to address the underlying issues driving harmful use of substances or behaviours.

Instead, we now recognise that dependency is often a way of coping with overwhelming pain. This understanding helps shift from judgement to compassion and curiosity.

The Many Roots of Dependency

Of course, dependency is complex and multi-faceted. Factors such as environment, stress, genetics, life circumstances, and adverse childhood experiences all play a role. No two people are the same, and these influences interact differently for each individual. For example, people with mental health challenges are statistically more vulnerable to developing dependencies.

The Human Need to Bond

Professor Peter Cohen's work reminds us that humans have an innate need to bond. When healthy bonds with people and activities are unavailable or disrupted, individuals may turn to substances or processes to fill that void. The issue arises when this bond becomes so strong that it crowds out other relationships and interests.

We see this not only with substances, but with behaviours and identities, whether it's a sport, a hobby, or a relationship. When a person's sense of self becomes tied to a single bond, it can be difficult for them to maintain balance and connection elsewhere.

The Challenge of Breaking Bonds

Breaking a bond with a dependency is deeply challenging, much like ending any important relationship. People who have the dependency may grieve the loss, and without support, the process can feel insurmountable. As Maia Szalavitz notes, recovery is far more likely when individuals have strong social ties, employment, and a sense of belonging.

Understanding Without Excusing

Viewing dependency as a bonding issue allows you to better understand your experiences, as well as the family dynamics at play. This perspective fosters empathy and can help you make sense of your upbringing or relationships with loved ones who are struggling.

Importantly, understanding doesn't mean excusing harmful behaviour. However, it can open the door to healing and, in some cases, forgiveness.