Supporting People from Dependent Families to Rebuild Trust
Understanding Trust When You've Grown Up in Families Affected by Dependency
If you grew up in a family affected by a parent or caregiver's dependency on substances or processes, you'll recognise how deeply the issue of trust is woven into your experience. Many people have internalised the belief that trust is dangerous, unreliable, or simply not possible. This belief isn't just about others, but often extends inward, leaving you uncertain about trusting yourself.
The Unspoken Rule: "Don't Trust"
The "don't trust" rule is rarely spoken aloud, yet it's reinforced in countless ways throughout childhood. It sits alongside other unspoken rules, such as "don't make friends outside the family", "nothing is wrong, everything is fine", and "do as I say, not as I do". You may also have heard messages like "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about", which taught you to suppress your feelings.
The Impact of Addiction on Family Dynamics
Addictive dynamics often bring manipulation, denial, secrecy, and broken promises into the home. Caregivers struggling with addiction may use anger, guilt, urgency, blame, or self-pity to maintain the status quo. For you as a child, this constant shifting of reality created a deep sense of mistrust. It became safer not to trust anyone, including yourself.
Relationship Challenges in Adulthood
As a result, you may struggle to form close relationships. You might avoid intimacy, find it difficult to communicate openly, or oscillate between clinging to others and shutting down emotionally. These patterns are understandable responses to growing up in an unpredictable environment.
The Three Tarnished Rules
The three tarnished rules of dysfunctional families (don't feel, don't talk, don't trust) shape the adult lives of those who grew up in these systems. You may find yourself isolated, unable to express emotions, or wary of connection. You may even feel disconnected from your own feelings, using these rules as a shield against further hurt.
Rebuilding Trust: A Pathway to Healing
Yet, healing is possible. One of the most empowering steps is learning to trust yourself again. This involves listening to your own intuition, recognising your strengths, and understanding that you've already survived so much. Journalling about your resilience and abilities can be a helpful tool in this process.
Finding Support
Working with a therapist can help you identify and neutralise these hidden rules. By bringing awareness to the ways these patterns operate, you can break free from old constraints and build healthier relationships with yourself and others.