Overcoming the “Don’t Feel” Rule
A major family rule you may have encountered, especially if you grew up in a home affected by substance use or compulsive behaviours, is the unspoken message, "Don't feel." This is a rule you can begin to challenge.
Children living with parental or caregiver dependency learn to do whatever it takes to create a sense of stability. For many, this means shutting down their feelings just to get through each day. When you cannot talk openly or trust the adults around you, you're left to navigate your emotions alone. Over time, this isolation can become overwhelming, leading you to numb or suppress your feelings altogether. While it's entirely normal for children to experience a wide range of emotions, even within a single hour, children from homes marked by addiction often learn that feeling nothing at all is the safest option.
Why Do We Have Emotions?
If you grew up amid the trauma of compulsive behaviours such as excessive drinking, shutting down emotionally may have been a way to protect yourself. This coping strategy may have served you as a child, but as an adult, it can prevent you from truly knowing yourself and living fully. Moving forward involves shifting from simply reacting to life, to consciously acting and taking responsibility for your wellbeing.
This process involves reconnecting with your inner world. It's often easier to focus on what we can see (our physical health) than what we cannot see, such as our thoughts, feelings, or spirit. Yet, emotions are just as vital to overall health as the body. Trauma can shrink the space between an event and your response, making it difficult to choose how you react. Those quick, automatic responses (whether shutting down, lashing out, or people-pleasing) are often the legacy of your younger, traumatised self doing its best to stay safe.
With great responsibility comes great power. By understanding and managing your emotions, you can reclaim this power in your own life.
The Science of Emotions
Emotions are not just fleeting experiences, they are signals from deep within your memories and body. Dr Candace Pert, a renowned pharmacologist, emphasised that ignoring our emotions is an outdated mindset. Modern science now recognises that our bodies are interconnected systems (physical, emotional, and spiritual). Each aspect influences the others. For example, when you feel stressed, your body tenses up; when you have a sore back, your mood can shift. By listening to your emotions, you can access the healing wisdom within your own body.
Distinguishing Feelings from Judgements
Feelings can be elusive if you've spent years ignoring them. It's common to confuse feelings with thoughts or judgements. For instance, saying "I feel like it was last Thursday" or "I feel fat" are not true expressions of emotion. Even "I feel intimidated" is more a judgement about someone's behaviour than a feeling. The more accurate statements would be "I feel nervous" or "I feel unsure." Making this distinction is a powerful step towards emotional clarity. When you can name your feelings without blaming others, you begin to reclaim your personal power. These are your feelings, and owning them is a vital part of healing.
Empower Your Clients
Work with them to reconnect with their emotions and reclaim their wellbeing. Explore the Neutralising Hidden Family Rules workbook today and take the next step in supporting lasting change.
